Why Breakups Feel Like Withdrawal (With a Little Help from The Weeknd)
Breakups are brutal. One minute, you’re happily sharing dog memes and planning to take them as a plus one to an upcoming wedding, and the next, you’re ugly-crying at Target because you saw their favorite cereal. It’s not just emotional—it’s physical. Because, fun fact: breakups mimic withdrawal, and your brain is basically freaking out like you just quit a hard drug. And as The Weeknd once said, “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you”—turns out, that’s neuroscience, not just poetic heartbreak.
Love Is Literally a Drug (And Your Brain Is Hooked)
When you’re in love, your brain is flooded with dopamine (the “feel-good” chemical) and oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone). If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, these chemicals become even more potent because your nervous system is wired to seek security in relationships. Your partner becomes your emotional regulation system, a grounding force in your life.
Then—boom. Breakup. If you’re anxiously attached, your nervous system spirals into panic mode, seeking connection to restore balance. If you’re avoidant, you might go numb to shut down overwhelming emotions. Either way, your brain is suddenly deprived of its attachment figure, and the withdrawal begins.
As The Weeknd croons in “Wasted Times”—“I hope you know this d**** is still an option”—your brain feels the same way, tricking you into thinking that reconnecting will fix everything. Spoiler: it won’t.
The Symptoms of Love Withdrawal (AKA Why You’re a Wreck)
Ever wonder why breakups feel so awful? Here’s what’s happening:
1. Obsessive Thoughts (a.k.a. “Why am I stalking their Venmo transactions?”)
Your brain is desperate to get that dopamine back, so it fixates on them. EMDR shows us that traumatic memories get stuck in the nervous system, and your breakup may be activating unprocessed wounds from earlier attachment injuries. Or, as The Weeknd puts it in “Call Out My Name”—“I almost cut a piece of myself for your life”—your mind is stuck on sacrifice and longing.
2. Mood Swings That Make You Question Your Sanity
One minute, you’re fine (you got this!). The next, you’re spiraling because you found a hoodie that smells like them. This is your attachment system pinging for reconnection and safety. The emotional intensity comes from stored relational wounds resurfacing.
3. Impulsive Decisions (Texting them at 2 AM? Not Ideal.)
That urge to send a dramatic “I miss you” text? That’s your nervous system seeking regulation. It’s trying to restore the attachment bond, even if the relationship wasn’t healthy. With EMDR, we work on reprocessing the past to lessen these triggers. But let’s be real—The Weeknd said it best in “Heartless”: “Why? 'Cause I'm heartless, and I'm back to my ways ‘cause I'm heartless.”
4. Physical Pain (Because, Yes, Your Heart Does Hurt)
Heartbreak actually activates the same part of your brain as physical pain. If your attachment wounds are deep, the pain may feel unbearable, like you’re reliving an old abandonment wound. Your body is remembering past losses, not just this one. Ever heard “Hurt You”? “And now I know relationship’s my enemy / So stay away from me.” Yep, that’s avoidant attachment in action.
How to Survive the Withdrawal (Without Doing Anything Dumb)
So, how do you deal when your brain is basically begging for its ex-fix? Here are a few ways to make it through:
1. Go No Contact (Seriously, Stop Checking Their Stories)
Every time you see their face, your brain thinks, “Oh, are we back on??” and fires up the craving again. Your attachment system wants closure, but healing comes from creating safety within yourself—not through external validation. The Weeknd gets it in “Save Your Tears”—“You could’ve asked me why I broke your heart / You could’ve told me that you fell apart.” No contact keeps the story from looping.
2. Find New Sources of Regulation
Your ex used to be your emotional co-regulator, and now you need new ways to soothe your nervous system. EMDR can help reprocess past wounds so the breakup doesn’t feel like life or death. Breathwork, safe relationships, movement, and mindfulness can help rewire your brain’s response to stress.
3. Talk to Your Inner Parts (With Love, Not Shame)
That part of you that wants to text them? It’s not “pathetic”—it’s a younger part of you looking for reassurance. With EMDR and parts work, we recognize that different parts hold different emotions. Comfort that part instead of shaming it. Or, as “Blinding Lights” reminds us, “I said, ooh, I’m drowning in the night.” That part of you needs support, not more chaos.
4. Rewire Your Attachment System (New Routines, New Connections)
If your attachment system is hyperactivated, shifting focus to friendships, hobbies, and self-growth can create new neural pathways. The more you regulate yourself, the less you’ll need external validation to feel secure.
5. Remember: This Is Temporary (Even If It Feels Endless)
The cravings will fade. The pain will pass. With EMDR, you can reprocess the deeper wounds that make breakups feel unbearable. One day, you’ll hear your old song and not feel like throwing your phone into the ocean. Until then, take The Weeknd’s advice from “Rolling Stone”—“Just let me motherfuckin’ love you.” Only this time, make sure the person you’re loving is yourself.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone (And You’re Not Crazy)
Breakups do feel like withdrawal because your brain is wired for attachment, and losing a bond triggers survival responses. But with time, self-compassion, and healing tools like EMDR, you can rewire your nervous system to feel secure within yourself.
So, be kind to yourself, trust the process, and maybe avoid the cereal aisle for a while. You got this.
Hi! I’m Nicole and I’m a Licensed Therapist in California.
I specialize in relationships, trauma, and breakups. If you are searching for support through a breakup, schedule a call with me, let’s work together!
