How to Heal a Breakup: with IFS
Breakups don’t just hurt—sometimes, they fracture us. One moment, you feel strong and moving on; the next, a wave of sadness, anger, or longing knocks you off course. It can feel like different parts of you are at war: one part misses them desperately, another is furious, another just wants to numb the pain.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps make sense of these inner conflicts. Instead of seeing yourself as “broken” or needing to “just get over it,” IFS teaches that you have different parts, all trying to protect you in their own way. Healing isn’t about silencing these parts—it’s about understanding them.
Understanding Your Inner Parts After a Breakup
IFS views the mind as made up of different “parts,” each with its own voice, emotions, and needs. Here are some parts that often show up during a breakup:
1. The Grieving Part
💔 This part holds the sadness, the loneliness, the deep ache of missing your ex. It replays the good memories, wondering if you made a mistake or if they’ll ever come back.
🛠️ How to Heal: Instead of pushing this part away, sit with it. Speak to it with compassion: “I see how much you’re hurting. It’s okay to grieve.” Let it express itself without judgment—cry if you need to, write a letter you never send, let it release.
2. The Angry Part
🔥 This part is outraged—at them, at yourself, at how unfair everything feels. It might replay all the ways they hurt you or betrayed your trust.
🛠️ How to Heal: This part is trying to protect you from pain, but holding onto resentment keeps you stuck. Acknowledge its anger: “I hear you. You’re right—it wasn’t fair.” Then ask: “What do you need to let go?” Maybe it needs boundaries, validation, or simply time to cool down.
3. The Inner Critic
📢 This part blames you: “You weren’t enough.” “You should have tried harder.” “No one will love you like that again.” It can be the cruelest voice, fueling shame and self-doubt.
🛠️ How to Heal: Recognize that the Inner Critic is actually trying to protect you—usually from repeating painful mistakes. Instead of believing its words, get curious: “What are you afraid will happen if I don’t listen to you?” Often, this part just wants reassurance that you’re learning and growing.
4. The Numbing Part
🍷 This part wants to avoid pain at all costs. It might push you to overwork, binge-watch TV, scroll endlessly on social media, or drink more than usual—anything to not feel.
🛠️ How to Heal: Instead of shaming this part, thank it: “I see that you’re trying to protect me from overwhelming emotions.” Then gently ask: “What would help you feel safe enough to let me process this?” Sometimes, slowing down, journaling, or talking to a therapist helps this part relax.
Accessing Your Wise, Healed Self
Beyond all these parts is something deeper—your Self. In IFS, the Self is the calm, wise, compassionate presence within you that isn’t caught up in fear, pain, or anger. It’s the part of you that knows you will get through this.
To access your Self, try this:
✨ Pause and breathe. Imagine stepping back from your emotions, just enough to observe them without being consumed.
✨ Ask yourself: “What does my Self know to be true?” Maybe it’s that you deserve love. That this pain is temporary. That healing is already happening, even if you can’t see it yet.
✨ Send kindness to your parts. Imagine your Self gently holding the Grieving Part, calming the Angry Part, reassuring the Inner Critic. These parts don’t need to be exiled—they just need leadership.
Healing is Integration, Not Erasure
You don’t have to get rid of your pain to heal—you just have to listen to it. The parts of you that hurt are also the parts that love deeply, that long for connection, that want to protect you. By meeting them with compassion instead of judgment, you begin to heal from the inside out.
💡 If you're struggling with the aftermath of a breakup, IFS therapy can help you reconnect with your Self and find true healing. Ready to start your journey? Let’s talk.
