How Your Attachment Style Affects the Way You Handle Breakups

Attachment styles are all the hype recently, but did you know even influence how you process and heal from a breakup!

Developed in childhood, attachment styles shape how we connect with others and navigate relationships—including how we respond when they end. Understanding your attachment style can offer insight into your breakup behaviors, emotional patterns, and paths to healing.

The Four Attachment Styles and Breakups

1. Secure Attachment: The Healthy Griever

People with a secure attachment style generally have a balanced and healthy approach to relationships. They feel comfortable with intimacy but are also independent, which helps them handle breakups with resilience. When a relationship ends, they may feel sadness and loss, but they’re able to process their emotions, lean on support systems, and eventually move forward without avoiding or suppressing their pain. Securely attached individuals tend to reflect on the breakup with self-awareness, recognizing what worked and what didn’t without excessive blame or shame.

Healing Strategy: Continue to rely on healthy coping mechanisms, such as seeking support from friends and practicing self-care. Journaling and therapy can help with deeper emotional processing.

2. Anxious Attachment: The Heartbroken Clinger

Those with an anxious attachment style often fear abandonment and crave deep connection. Breakups can be devastating, as they trigger feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Anxiously attached individuals may find themselves obsessing over their ex, seeking reassurance from others, or struggling with the urge to reach out. They may also idealize the relationship and blame themselves for its failure.

Healing Strategy: Focus on self-soothing techniques and developing a stronger sense of self-worth. Practicing no contact can be especially beneficial in breaking unhealthy emotional loops. Therapy, EMDR, or Internal Family Systems (IFS) work can help address core wounds related to fear of abandonment.

3. Avoidant Attachment: The Distant Mover-On

People with an avoidant attachment style tend to suppress emotions and rely on independence, sometimes appearing to move on quickly. While they may not show obvious distress, they often bury their pain rather than process it. Avoidants may distract themselves with work, new relationships, or other external factors to avoid facing their emotions. Deep down, they may feel lonely or disconnected but struggle to admit vulnerability.

Healing Strategy: Allow yourself to sit with emotions instead of pushing them away. Mindfulness, therapy, or structured reflection (such as writing about the relationship) can help you process rather than avoid feelings. Connection with safe, trusted people is key.

4. Disorganized Attachment: The Emotional Rollercoaster

A disorganized attachment style is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often rooted in past trauma. Those with this style may feel intense grief, oscillating between craving connection and pushing people away. They may struggle with trust, feeling both deeply hurt and afraid of being vulnerable again. This can result in chaotic post-breakup behaviors, such as impulsively contacting an ex, extreme mood swings, or self-sabotaging coping mechanisms.

Healing Strategy: Engage in trauma-focused therapy to work through past wounds that impact current relationship patterns. Stabilizing emotions through grounding techniques, structured routines, and a strong support system can help manage the highs and lows.

Moving Forward: How to Heal Based on Your Attachment Style

No matter your attachment style, healing from a breakup is possible. Here are some universal tips:

• Self-Reflection: Identify patterns in your relationships and explore how your attachment style has influenced them.

• Set Boundaries: Avoid unhealthy behaviors, such as excessive social media stalking or reaching out to an ex for validation.

• Build Secure Attachments: Work on developing healthier relationship patterns through therapy, journaling, or support groups.

• Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring joy, peace, and a sense of self-worth outside of relationships.

Final Thoughts

Your attachment style doesn’t define you—it’s simply a framework that helps explain your emotional responses. By understanding your patterns, you can take intentional steps toward healing and fostering healthier relationships in the future. Whether you lean toward anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment, working toward a more secure foundation will help you navigate love, loss, and connection with greater ease.

If you’re struggling to process a breakup and want to explore your attachment style more deeply, therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth. If you are in California, reach out to start your journey toward emotional freedom and relationship clarity with me!