What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)? Think Inside Out, But for Your Whole Personality
If you’ve ever seen the Disney movie Inside Out, you’re already halfway to understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. You know how Riley has all those little characters in her head—Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust—each fighting for control at different times? Well, IFS suggests that, just like Riley, we all have different “parts” inside us, and they each play a role in how we think, feel, and react to life experiences, which makes them important to understand to better relate to yourself and others as well.
Meet Your Inner Family
IFS is based on the idea that our mind isn’t just one basic personality—it’s made up of different parts that each has its own reactions, beliefs, feelings about your experiences. And sometimes these parts work together (like a team) and sometimes… don’t (like worst enemies). These parts have been shaped by our experiences, and they show up to protect us, guide us, or sometimes, unintentionally make life harder. In IFS, these parts generally fall into three categories:
Exiles – These are the parts of us that carry pain, shame, fear, or trauma. They often get pushed away because their feelings are too overwhelming.
Managers – These are the parts that try to keep everything in check. They help us stay organized, push us to succeed, or try to prevent us from getting hurt (sometimes by making us perfectionists or people-pleasers).
Firefighters – These parts jump in when our exiles' pain gets too loud. They try to numb or distract us through things like overeating, overworking, binge-watching Netflix, or even more self-destructive behaviors.
At the core of all of this, though, is something IFS calls the Self (core part of you)—the calm, compassionate, wise part of you that isn’t just another character but more like the loving leader of your inner world. When your Self is in charge, your parts can relax, and you can respond to life from a place of confidence instead of chaos.
Why Does This Matter?
IFS helps us understand that those voices in our head—whether it’s the self-critic, the anxious planner, or the part that just wants to check out—aren’t bad. They all have a reason for being there, and they’re trying (sometimes in a really unhelpful way) to protect us.
Instead of fighting against these parts or trying to shut them up, IFS teaches us to get curious. Why is my anxious part panicking? What is my inner critic trying to protect me from? By understanding and accepting these parts, rather than rejecting them, we can create inner harmony and actually heal the wounds that keep us stuck.
How IFS Can Help You (and Your Relationships)
When you start to see yourself as a mix of different parts, it gets a lot easier to have self-compassion. That voice in your head isn’t “you”—it’s just a part of you. And when you start to recognize that, you can respond to yourself with kindness instead of frustration.
Even better? This way of thinking helps you understand other people, too. Instead of seeing your friend, partner, or coworker as just “difficult” or “overreacting,” you might start to see their parts at play—the anxious part, the defensive part, or the overwhelmed part. And that makes it a lot easier to respond with empathy.
So next time you find yourself caught in an inner battle, take a breath, channel your inner Inside Out character, and ask yourself: Which part of me is speaking right now? And what does it need? You might just be surprised at the answer.
Hi! I’m Nicole Licensed Therapist in California.
I specialize in working with people having relationship challenges, going through a breakup, and trauma.
If you live in California and are interested in workng with me, 1st step is to schedule a free call!
