Why Going No Contact with an Ex Is So Hard (And Why Staying Friends Is Even Harder)
We've all been there—hovering over the "block" button, only to chicken out and settle for "just friends." Because, hey, they know your coffee order, your weird childhood fears, and the fact that you secretly enjoy Nickelback. But let’s be honest—going no contact with an ex is ridiculously hard, and staying friends? Even harder. Let’s break it down.
Why Is No Contact So Painful?
No contact feels like a breakup after the breakup. Your brain has spent months (or years) associating them with dopamine hits—those good morning texts, inside jokes, and the way they always saved you the last fry. Suddenly cutting off that supply? It’s like quitting caffeine cold turkey. Your nervous system panics.
Plus, there’s the hope factor. A part of you secretly believes that if you stay in touch, maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up back together. Spoiler: you probably won’t. As Nick Viall wisely put it in Don’t Text Your Ex: “The person who cares less has all the power.” Ouch.
And let’s talk about attachment styles. If you have an anxious attachment, no contact feels unbearable because your nervous system craves reassurance. If you lean avoidant, you might tell yourself you don’t care, only to find yourself doom-scrolling their Instagram at 2 AM. Either way, it’s a rollercoaster, and you didn’t even buy a ticket.
Why Do We Want to Stay Friends?
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) – You don’t want to see them thriving without you. What if they get a cool new hobby? What if they suddenly develop abs?
Emotional Comfort – They know all your quirks. It’s tempting to keep them around because they “get” you.
Guilt – If the breakup was mutual or you were the one who ended it, you might feel bad cutting them off completely.
The ‘Maybe Later’ Fantasy – Maybe if we stay friends, we’ll find our way back to each other. (Reality check: Rarely works.)
Attachment Wounds – If your breakup triggered deep-seated fears of abandonment or rejection, staying friends might feel like a way to soften the blow. But often, it just prolongs the pain.
Why Staying Friends Is Nearly Impossible
One of You Still Has Feelings – No one wants to admit it, but if even one of you is hoping for a reunion, “friendship” is just a slow emotional torture chamber.
New Relationships Get Messy – Future partners are going to have questions. And the answer, “Oh, we’re just really close friends who used to sleep together,” isn’t going to cut it.
Emotional Whiplash – One minute, you’re “just friends.” The next, you’re reminiscing about that amazing vacation, then BOOM—tears, confusion, and the desperate urge to text “I miss you.”
Boundaries? What Boundaries? – Do you really want your “friend” to call you when their date cancels? Or when they need help moving? It’s basically a breakup with extra chores.
Your Nervous System is Confused – Seeing them, talking to them, even texting them keeps your attachment system activated. You don’t get the clean break needed to rewire your brain and truly move on.
So, What’s the Move?
At the end of the day, do what’s best for you. If staying in touch feels right, go for it. But if you’re feeling stuck, taking time apart is probably your best bet. Give yourself the space to heal, gain clarity, and decide what truly serves you. No contact isn’t about being mean; it’s about protecting your peace. And if the thought of no contact makes you panic, that’s probably a sign you need it even more.
Whatever you decide, just remember: You deserve a love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth. And that kind of love usually starts with yourself.
